An evil cult exposed

Holey moley. That’s the first thing I think of when I think about the secret I have learned. It’s a deep dark, evil, secret, and I am here to expose a fraud, a charleton and a fake. I am only the messenger, the purveyor of this secret, and am in no way responsible for this evil that has befallen the drama department and Deer Valley High School in general.

I am here to expose a liar, a liar who has presented himself to our community as a man with "awesome" hair and "extremely sexy" curls, but I have PROOF that this person is nothing but a fraud and a fake.

My first clue, was a story that Elise Jesus told me during the choir concert last week. She told me that this evil, dark person did not feel pain when his "epic locks" were pulled. This made me believe that his "locks of God" were not more than a fake. That this man who was looked up to by so many for his fashion sense and ability to strangle any living man with only his hair was nothing more than a wig-wearing FAKE. Yes, a fake. And I have proof

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That is right. The man known as Skyler Parsons is really a high level member of the Russian mob, whose real name is Dmitris "волос Бога" DдЯавеж. DдЯавеж has infiltrated our community with promises of "awesome hair" and free püddīng, while secretly hording all of our base. That is right, I am here to expose a vast conspiracy, involving Ruskies and Americans alike.

My investigation into the true origins of "Skyler" began outside of QuikTrip last December, when I saw him sneak behind the convenience store and meet with three thugs. The next day, it was revealed in the local news that three locals had been murdered, and their heads had been shaved. At first I had trouble connecting the murders with Dmitris until I saw the pictures of the three victims.

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The hair. Of course, I thought, it had to be related to Dmitris. So I began tailing him night and day. Playing many a game of TF2 with him, trying to understand the sheer power of his evil. My god, what I discovered. I have stumbled across a secret sub-cult of the Russian mob, called the Cult of the Motherland.

The Cult of the Motherland is a sinister underworld, I have discovered. They use their lulzy ways to cast a veil of pretend-goodness over their illicit drug smuggling operation that I have discovered and am now exposing to the world.

It begins with the murders of innocent bystanders for the harvesting of their hair. It took me far too long to realize exactly WHY they harvest the hair though. It turns out, in my research, that they use it to power space lazers. That’s right, they have over 9000 lazers perched in space ready to destroy the hair-wearing population of the world when they fire there lazers.

The lazers don’t kill the people, only destroy them, leaving them bald and hairless, and their mind fried to be a member of the Cult as well. This increase in their membership is know as DatThing, and is pure evil.

More later, after I infiltrate their filthy cult.

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~ by Ryan Rix on 26 March 2010.

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